A very dear friend of mine introduced me to a simple but mind-reorganizing thought:
There is truth in everything.
Meaning even things you find to be totally wrong, totally gross, totally evil, totally crazy – the idea was (or is) at some point, at some scale, through some alternative lens, based on a kernel of truth. I always try to look for this truth in the opinions, beliefs, and choices of those around me, to better understand where they are coming from.
How do you know when you are right? When something is true? There’s some sort of sign or indicator that you must tune into. Mine is goosebumps. They occur too often to signal cold. They occur too pointedly to simply be fear-based adrenaline reactions – in fact they often induce a state of pleasant calm. They are a certain type of goosebump that appears when something is resonating with me on a three-dimensional level (mind, body, soul). They occur as a burst of energy rocketing through my body urging me to follow the thought, idea, opportunity, opening door. They are a signal of “truth” and direction.
Here’s a note I wrote to myself a few weeks ago, though I can’t remember ever doing so. I was rereading my notebook of random late-night thoughts and found it – my handwriting, certainly, but an idea that I didn’t recognize, and still I am analyzing its meaning:
“Do unmeasurable things exist?
How do you measure the voices inside your house? Is it you?
It’s waiting to be.”
I think I was trying to create some sort of logical proof so in the moments when I lose faith/lucidity/awakeness I can be reminded. Half of my brain is still stuck in rational-metric-land where everything is explained with mechanical if-then and mathematical proofs. “Humans are just random biological accidents and brain activity is solely for the purpose of reproduction and survival of the species. God is not real because such an existence can never be measured, and thus proven.” – said Taylor for the last 26 years.
But “do unmeasurable things exist?” I ask and answer, “yes.” For example, life is a substance that is and isn’t : it is in me and you right now, and it is NOT in a corpse, or at least not to the degree it is in you and me. We don’t have a metric to measure specifically the “lifeness” of a given thing, but we’d all agree that it exists. (I believe a metric does exist intuitively, just not a physical one with a label commonly accepted by the science-based paradigm.) The fact that it LIFE IS proves its reality, no metric needed. Life, energy, intelligence – all exist on a plane beyond our current measurement abilities, the subtle plane.
So, moving on: “how do you measure the voices inside your house? Is it you?” (Author’s note: If I write about a house, I’m really writing about a soul. That is my extended metaphor [HOUSE=SOUL], evident throughout my life’s work both literary and physical.)
The voices inside your house – here I mean, the voices in your head/soul/being – how do I assign degrees of truthiness to them; how do I determine what is more true than something else in the course of a day’s constant internal chatter; how do I differentiate between self-generated voices and those that aren’t mine but input by society and culture? I’m so used to knowledge being something external, something told to me by others, something that is organized into the established schema of Rational-Metric-Land and then passed onto the knowledge-hungry (assumed also to be knowledge-empty) youth borne unto this earth. The voices/ideas/inputs of the external world are a constant immeasurable (because of their sheer vastness) drone. Sometimes it feels like my brain is choking on the amount of input it receives, it can’t keep up – it triggers the release of stress hormones to deal. This is why we should all practice meditation, to clear out the accumulation and reconnect. I am grateful to at least maintain an observational viewpoint through the rushing onslaught of thoughts and experiences, or at least as much as I can. So very often, I find myself asking: how do I know that this voice, this thought, is the True/Real/Authentic one?
In all my time here on earth I have not come across a way to, as my journaled question asks, “measure the voices inside my head,” nor have I ever sought to until this moment. Do all the voices that animate my brain dialogue pull equal measure as far as truthiness, validity? In my internal world, I have been learning how to differentiate, to observe the voices inside my house, trace their source, and there is one in particular that fascinates me. The “You” voice. The true voice, the one voice, the God voice. It’s the voice “in the back of your head” – I grasped a spacial orientation to these voices the other day and realized: my ego voice comes from the front, my “true” God voice comes from the back.
(please stay with me, this is the hardest translation work I’ve done yet)
“It’s waiting to be.” What’s waiting to be? That You voice, true voice, one voice, God voice. It’s waiting, patiently, lovingly, to become one with who you (know you) are – you’re already it, you’ve just placed some egoic definitions around your given identity that can block the flow of Godness into your life. “Let go and let God.” The definitions protect fears and hurts; they project a certain persona or character upon the world stage. I am the character Taylor, but I am also and more truly Oneness. Each of us are Oneness/God/Source with a character stamped on top – you’re given a label (Taylor) and a setting and a role and inserted into this web of complex reality. “You’re here to play a part, my dear, in this ol’ world of ours…” The trouble is that I’ve been trying to control and define my part from mind-based reasoning. I have not been thinking with my heart. I have not been letting myself live, I’ve been trying to set up exactly how I was going to live in a future and deny all other possibilities.
There is only the now and how I act now creates the future, the real future, the one I deserve/need/will have. I am living openly and feeling everything (I am in love with the entire world and everyone in it). I am following God and my heart and employing my brain to activate on these messages of truth. What’s that one quote – “Your brain makes a better listener than a driver?”
Still I am “waiting to be.” I have learned more than is probably psychologically safe over the last year and I’ve only just begun. Five years from now, who knows. I’ve got a lot more ego to deconstruct and I’m so happy to see where that leads. I am so eager to follow that true voice, to trust it, and experience all the emotions, struggles, rewards, that my particular pursuit of my Authentic Voice attracts.