All of this began after a car crash.
And yet, it was always present. There was no beginning, it was always developing.
But the car crash was the physical jolt I needed to coalesce all my experiences into my current understanding.
2016 was the fastest year of my life and I hope 2017 will be just as influential.
Here are two truths I never knew about myself:
1. I have way too much anxiety.
2. I have been depressed for a very long time.
Of my friends, family, and people I met, I know that some of them saw this; many other people did not. And in part this is because I was really good at building very tall defensive walls. There was me hiding in my internal world insulated by walls, and there was a visible “Taylor” just moving through “life” and growing more distant as I crawled more inside.
I was doing nothing that I loved; I wasn’t happy; my growth had stalled.
I was treading water; I was running up a down escalator.
And then, while stopped at a light, I was hit by another car and my life restarted.
The people I met and the wisdom I received from them gave me new eyes with which to see the world.
I heard information differently, more deeply.
I saw things more vividly.
I let myself feel again.
I remembered things about myself that I had forgotten (denied) for many years and finally stopped running away.
There are many terms I could apply to my experience, but I can’t just pick one because it was/is all of them – I woke up, I found God, I matured into an adult, I found my path, I expanded my consciousness.
I reconnected with the deepest, truest part of my self. The inner core that was originally put upon this earth to live this life. We became reacquainted and everyday I wake up to bring us more into harmony.
My purpose is both focused and diverse. It is to develop my life which is synonymous with my aesthetic – my aesthetic is the visio-spatial translation of my soul, manifest in a lived physical reality – and, in doing so, bring/create peace for myself and all those I resonate with. It is to be the purest channel of light and love, with no fear, anxiety, or blinded ego shielding me from the rest of humanity and earthly experience. It is to learn as much as I can while I am here and grow as close to God/Oneness/Consciousness as I can.
I am beyond grateful that this experience happened to me. I have no idea what would have happened to me had this not occurred – I am quite sure I would not be “alive” – and whether I mean that physically or spiritually, I am not sure, because I/God didn’t allow that path to unfold. On a very regular basis I am moved to tears by realizations of the beauty and goodness that surrounds us (usually on public transit witnessing the diverse amazing-ness of humanity). Daily I am overwhelmed (in the most pleasant way) by the force of unconditional love now present in my life.
My life has changed in more ways than I could ever count and continues to evolve everyday. 95% of those changes are immaterial yet I feel far more stable and “wealthy” than ever before. There is no other life I’d rather be living.
I am and I love.
I wrote this over a month ago and set it aside, like many things I write. I just wrote a similar entry the other day with far more detail. That will be published soon. This is the first step. 🙂